What’s Gonna Happen to Chris by Garfunkel and Oates

LYRICS:

If there’s a thousand people in the company
One guy’s gotta be the worst guy
One guy’s gotta be in thousandth place
We’re gonna call that guy, what would that guy be named,
Maybe something like Chris

Verse 1:
Being the least productive guy in the office
Used to be enough to keep Chris employed
But now this political correctness
Is threatening the certainty he once enjoyed

Sure, Chris believes in equality
And he supports a merit-based system
But why can’t things completely change
And stay exactly the same for him

Oh yeah why can’t the world eliminate it’s deeply ingrained unconscious bias without effecting Chris’ accounting job
Before we worry about solving centuries of oppression
We can’t forget to ask the most important question

Chorus:
What’s gonna happen to you Chris
Are you going to actually have to try
How could they do you this to you Chris
Why oh why oh why
Sure we all want change
But have you thought about this
What’s gonna happen to Chris

Verse 2:
Chris feels like collateral damage
And we sympathize with the situation he’s in
But Chris is like a kick line in a musical
People have been applauding him for literally no reason

He’s been sailing on through but contributing nothing
The worst guy in the whole company
Chris is as good at doing his job
As we are at doing harmony

If Chris was a flavor he’d be tofu
If the world was a mansion he’d be a door hinge
If he was in Hamilton he’d be Peggy
If he was a Tootsie Pop he’d be orange

If Chris was a sport he’d be baseball
If this is was marriage he’d be the wife
If Chris was a tragedy he’d be thoughts and prayers
If this was the apocalypse he’d be a butterknife

If this was Sex and the City he’d be a Carrie
Yeah I said it Carrie’s boring as shit
Everyone who’s anyone is a Miranda
And I think deep down we all know it

If Chris was an animal he’d be a gerbil
If he was technology he’d be a paper calendar
If he was a spaceship he’d be Columbia
It also exploded but it was no challenger no no no no
And still we can ask the most important question

Chorus:
What’s gonna happen to you Chris
Are you going to actually have to try
How could they do you this to you Chris
Why oh why oh why
Sure we all want change
But have you thought about this
What’s gonna happen to me

Bridge:
It’s so hard to be a man right now
Why is everybody trying to oppress me
Why can’t we fix centuries of discrimination without things getting so messy

It’s so good to be a woman right now
We really have it all
We’ve got 6 percent of the CEO jobs
That’s up 2 percent from the 80’s

We make 80 cents on the dollar
Sure I make a dollar on the dollar but it’s still seems pretty scary

We can finally come forward and name our attackers with mixed reactions
What if I didn’t know I was attacking you
I’m literally losing everything

It’s so hard
It’s so easy
When the world is like it is
Sure we all want change
But have you thought about this
What’s gonna happen to Chris